Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken