I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I think I’ll stand
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”