“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
What my back needs
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???