You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”