My Sentiments Exactly
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.