Helping ya friend pick a picture to post š¤ commenting like itās ya first time ever seeing the picture
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. Heās like āBecause I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframeā.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. āthat guy must be a chef,ā you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didnāt know where my mouth was.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now Iām wondering why the hell Iām not.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
This kid is going places
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Iām very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named āsnot.ā Wtf is wrong with people! š”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bellās hot sauce packets
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) Iām more interested in talking about the roles you ARENāT playing.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
What if āmy anaconda donāt want none unless you got buns, hunā was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Iām staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
i prefer to think of myself as less ābad at runningā and more āreally good at running 13 minute miles