Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money