I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
You Might Also Like
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good