I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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This dude got his own movie?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
i think we should see other cousins
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.