Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?