LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.