Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
i dont have time for this
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.