You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Breaking news:
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
my mind
You just read my mind
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
liiiiiiiiike
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.