Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
i hate you platonically
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.