I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You can’t rush stupid.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.