interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…