One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]