When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.