good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
my retirement plan is braless
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?