Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.