Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Bobby pin
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.