[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
cyclists
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?