Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
car not found
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The Compass
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto