If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Had to try this trend 😊
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.