Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Knock Knock