got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.