Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Worlds greatest photobomb
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.