Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy