I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.