Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]