Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this