YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone