I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.