Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.