good let them take over I have had enough
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Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.