I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
same vibe as tangled headphones
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be