Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.