Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.