Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I needed a laugh this morning.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car