I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should