Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.