Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.