5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.