Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣