Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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Morningbreath
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.