Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Hey I worked for it too!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.