Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
This could’ve been an email.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.