Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
2 years later
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.