[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Monday
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
hmmm
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds