You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic